The Journey of Grieving Someone Still with Us: Lessons in Acceptance

Grief is often associated with loss, but it can also emerge in unexpected ways—such as when you're faced with the gradual disappearance of someone you love due to illness, addiction, or a change in circumstances such as the ending of a friendship or romantic relationship. This unique form of grief, sometimes referred to as "living loss," can be incredibly isolating and complicated. But we've all been there and this sort of grief isn't any less important than other forms and again, no one really prepares us or trains us on how to handle it. So in today's blog I think its time to provide some insights and effective strategies to help guide you through this complex emotional landscape.

Understanding Living Loss

Living loss describes the grief and mourning experienced when someone is still physically present but has changed in ways that complicate your relationship, often resulting in an actual or perceived sense of losing their presence in your life. This could arise from a loved one suffering from dementia, mental health struggles, addiction or even results from removing a toxic relationship from your life. Acknowledging that this type of grief is valid and deserves attention is an essential first step.

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve

Just because your loved one is still alive doesn’t mean you should deny your emotions. Grieving is a natural response to the perceived loss of the relationship or connection you once had. It doesn't make you weak to keenly feel a loss, it just makes you human. Give yourself permission to feel sadness, anger, or confusion. Journaling, meditating, or simply allowing yourself to cry can be therapeutic.

2. Seek Support

Grieving can feel lonely, especially when those around you may not understand your pain. Seek support from friends, family, or support groups where you can share your feelings with others who have faced similar experiences. Support from a mental health professional or grief coach can also provide guidance and a safe space to process complex emotions. I like to call this engaging your circle. Create a circle of trust by finding 2 or 3 people who can be tasked with listening and helping you to set goals for healing and then holding you accountable to those goals. This is something that grief coaches absolutely excel at and many people find themselves employing a coach as one of their circle of trust members!

3. Create Meaningful Rituals

Rituals can help acknowledge your feelings of loss. When a loved one dies we often look to rituals and ceremonies oveer the years to help us remember and honor the loss. So why don't we do this when we lose someone who is still alive? The good news is that we can and we should. Consider creating a small ceremony to honor your loved one and your relationship or the ending of that relationship. For example if you are mourning the loss of someone toxic that you removed from your life, instead of honoring them, honor the strength it took to remove yourself from the situation. Or if it is the end of a relationship, honor your grief and your ability to keep moving forward despite the setback. Rituals can be as simple as lighting a candle, sharing memories, or visiting a special place. Such rituals can give you a sense of closure and provide a moment to reflect on the connections and lessons learned.

4. Focus on Acceptance

Acceptance is a crucial aspect of this journey. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with what has happened or forget the past. Instead, it’s about finding peace with your current situation and recognizing that both loss and love can coexist. The two aren't mutually exclusive and you aren't crazy for feeling two or more things at once! Acceptance can lead to the discovery of new ways to connect with your loved one or yourself, even amidst the changes.

5. Redefine Your Relationship

With significant changes in your loved one’s behavior or presence, it may be necessary to redefine how you relate to them. Seek new ways to connect that honor their current state. This could involve finding new activities to engage in together or simply being present without expectations. Flexibility in your interactions may foster a deeper connection that works for both of you. When it comes to the loss of a romantic relationship, friendship, or the end of something toxic, focus on who you are as a person now in the wake of this loss. Activities and hobbies can serve as a way to renew your faith in yourself and find new ways to sooth what you lost by gaining a new sense of self.

6. Take Care of Yourself

Grieving, especially for someone still alive, can be draining. It’s vital to prioritize self-care during this time. Engage in activities that bring you joy, ease your stress, and help recharge your emotional batteries. You can find solace in exercising, finding creative outlets, being out in nature or meditating. If the loss is relationship based then take time to seek out the things that maybe you either didn't have time to do while in the relationship or weren't able to do. I was in a toxic relationship for years that ended in divorce and one of the self care strategies I utilized was hanging out with friends I didn't often see or gaming again. Let self-care be a new form of freedom for you to enjoy.

7. Establish Boundaries

It’s okay to set boundaries with your loved one, especially if their behavior becomes harmful to your mental health. Establishing boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being, allowing you to engage in the relationship while also caring for yourself or removing yourself from it if it becomes toxic and damaging. If it is the end of a relationship, one of the best strategies is to limit contact with your ex partner or ex friend. Unfollowing people on social media does not make you a terrible person. It's all about protecting your peace and choosing who you allow to participate in your space. Creating space allows you to heal and focus on what is important. You! You're the one who is important!

8. Find Hope and Meaning

Even in the midst of grief, it’s possible to find hope. Yes I know I say this all the time but it is only because I mean it and I know it to be true because I've experienced it. Focus on the love you shared and the memories that still hold value. Consider engaging in activities that honor your loved one’s legacy, such as volunteering for a cause they cared about or advocating for issues related to their struggles. And again, if you are grieving the end of a relationship be it toxic or otherwise, find hope in all that you learned in that time and your ability to separate yourself from what may have been holding you back. Sometimes a change in perspective opens us up to a brighter future than we could imagine!

Grieving someone who is still alive is a complex emotional process that requires time, patience, and understanding. By acknowledging and embracing the range of emotions that arise, seeking support, and focusing on acceptance, you can navigate this challenging journey. Remember, you are not alone, and it's essential to give yourself grace as you mourn the relationship that has changed while still holding space for hope, love, and connection.

Are there other forms of non-death loss that you'd like me to address or talk about? Leave a comment on this post and let me know!