The Importance of Funerals: Honoring Lives and Supporting Healing

In today's society, we often view funerals as somber and painful events; however, they represent much more than that. When done well, a meaningful funeral or memorial service plays a crucial role in our lives, extending its impact far beyond simply saying farewell. Funerals can and should promote emotional healing, strengthen community bonds, and preserve rich cultural traditions. By recognizing the significant role that funerals play in the grieving process, we can better appreciate their importance in our journey through loss and remembrance.

Let me start off by telling my story because, in the past nine years, I have learned quite a lot about just how different funeral services can be. When my husband passed away in 2016, he wasn't particularly religious, so we had a celebration of life for him that was very personalized. We had a video tribute with pictures that depicted the rich tapestry of his life, asked everyone to wear some sort of Carolina blue because that was his favorite color, and utilized the songs that held meaning to him and spoke to our experiences with him. His brother wrote and gave his eulogy, which was Star Wars themed, by the way, because Keith was a Star Wars fanatic. It was amazing and meaningful. We cried, and we laughed, and I somehow mustered the strength to sing a song that he loved. It was such a personal event and so unique to Keith's life.

Fast forward to 2023, when we had a combined funeral service for my mother and father, who had died within a month and a half of one another. The grief was different; the process was different, and the funeral was VERY different from Keith's. You see, Keith hadn't been specific with me ever about what he wanted if he passed away because, quite frankly, we thought that day was many, many years into the future. My parents, however, would speak to me about wanting a Catholic service. And so when they passed, I went about the process of doing just that. It wasn't personal at all. A catholic priest talked to me about my parents for a grand total of 5 minutes. He came, gave his sermon, mentioned my parents a few sparse times, and then that was it. It took me months to realize how absolutely unhelpful the entire event had been, and I really had to evaluate why. I mean, I'm a grief worker, so it was imperative that I understood the difference between the peace I'd felt after Keith's service versus the emptiness that came with my parent's service.

Now, let me first say the funeral home that handled my parents' service was absolutely amazing. I may be a bit biased, but I'd suggest this to be the best funeral home in the area, and they were willing to go along with anything I needed and would bend over backward to help make this a good service. They weren't the issue. I was the issue, and our society was the issue. I realized far too late that my parents were so much more than just Catholics. My mother was an avid Harry Potter fan and loved puzzles. She was outgoing and personable and never met a stranger. My father was funny and a bit eccentric. He loved hunting and fishing, and he served in the Vietnam War. And these are just a few of the things they were, and save for military honors for my father, none of these things were represented.

The man who spoke about them and gave his sermon had heard five minutes worth of their lives. Now, I'm not trying to blame the priest here. Priests, pastors, and ministers do so much more than just funerals and have a lot on their plates. And this is where societal fault is to be found. We seem to think that all Catholic funerals should look the same, that all Jewish services must look the same, that all Episcopal services should look the same...the list goes on so I'm sure I don't need to. But the thing is, religion does not have to be the only thing we focus on when planning a funeral. If it was an important part of someone's life, then sure, it should be represented, but in this day and age, there are too many ways to make a service personal and meaningful that we do ourselves a great disservice when we try to fit into this cookie cutter idea of what a funeral must be.

I recognized all too late the vast difference between a man I didn't know speaking about people he knew nothing about (and probably saying the same things he says at every funeral) versus my brother-in-law giving a eulogy about someone he'd known for the entirety of his life and doing so with full knowledge of the breadth of my husband's experience combined with what the rest of us were experiencing in his absence. This fundamental difference seemed simple but was stunningly huge and made for two VERY different outcomes. It is the reason I decided to pursue training to become a Life Tribute Professional or Funeral Celebrant, as we're also often called. I recognized that what I had lacked at my parents' funeral was the unique, customized, and personal send-off that I so desperately needed.

And I needed it because funerals are not for the dead. Funerals are for the living. It is our first step onto the path of grief, and I can attest to the fact that there is a huge difference in one's grieving experience when the funeral is meaningful versus when it is not. By being rigid and cookie-cutter in our outlook on funerals, we do ourselves a disservice, we do our loved ones a disservice, and we do the funeral directors a disservice who are more than happy to make this a personal and meaningful send-off to someone who meant the world to you.

I can tell you that my experiences have colored the sort of Funeral Celebrant that I am. I will sit with families for hours to get an idea of what their person was like and the greatest honor I have is being able to listen to them share memories, cry, laugh and smile over someone that deserves their focus and my rapt attention.

So don't count funerals out because I can attest to the fact that they are so important. Let's explore some more benefits and the reasons why they play such an important role.

1. A Sacred Opportunity for Farewell

One of the most profound aspects of a funeral is the opportunity it provides for family and friends to say their final goodbyes. This essential ritual brings much-needed closure, allowing friends, family, colleagues, and the community to acknowledge their emotions and take steps toward accepting the reality of their loss. Within this shared experience of mourning, cherished memories are honored, and heartfelt feelings can be expressed authentically. This powerful act acknowledges a life that has made a meaningful impact on many.

2. Celebrating a Life Well-Lived

Funerals are also a meaningful way to honor and celebrate the unique life of the departed, as I discussed above when referring to my husband's service. They create a space for loved ones to reflect on the individual's journey, accomplishments, and the beautiful legacy they have left behind. Personal tributes, touching eulogies, and shared stories not only commemorate the individual but also serve as uplifting reminders of the joy and love they brought into the world. In the midst of sorrow, this celebration can shine a light on the lasting impressions they made on our lives and even help us come to terms with challenging feelings or experiences we may have had where the deceased were concerned. Not all memories are good memories; not all experiences are without difficulties, and in celebrating a life, we also come to terms with and process aspects of that life that may have caused us pain or damage.

3. Strengthening Community Connections

During times of loss, the support of community is invaluable. I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it: Humans are made to be social creatures and need to be heard, seen, and held. Funerals unite family and friends, creating a nurturing environment where individuals can genuinely lean on one another through difficult moments. This collective experience of mourning reinforces the understanding that we are not alone in our grief. As people gather to offer comfort and share their stories, relationships are rekindled, and connections are deepened, fostering a strong sense of belonging and unity.

4. Embodying and Honoring Cultural and Spiritual Traditions

Funerals are deeply embedded in the cultural and spiritual customs of societies around the world. They provide a vital means of honoring traditions surrounding death and the afterlife. Participating in these rituals can offer significant comfort to those who are grieving, helping them to connect with their beliefs and find a sense of continuity amid life's challenges. Despite what I have said about my issues with my parents' service, I recognize and encourage the incorporation of spiritual and cultural traditions that mean something to the family of the deceased. These ceremonies affirm the values and customs that shape a community, guiding the grieving process through meaningful and structured practices.

5. Facilitating Grief and Promoting Healing

Grief is an intensely personal journey, often accompanied by feelings of isolation and confusion. Funerals create a safe and compassionate space where we can express grief openly. They reinforce the understanding that mourning is a natural and essential expression of love. This gathering fosters communal emotional processing, encouraging healing and providing the necessary support as we move forward together.

6. Encouraging Reflection on Life's Impermanence

Finally, funerals encourage us to contemplate how fragile life is and how important it is to cherish meaningful connections. Attending a funeral often sparks deep introspection about our own lives, the legacies we wish to leave behind, and the relationships we value most. They serve as poignant reminders of life's temporary nature, inspiring us to make each moment meaningful and to nurture the bonds we share with loved ones.

In essence, funerals are a vital part of that delicate first step onto the road that leads us through grief and serve to light the path with memories and stories. From providing closure and honoring a life's journey to reinforcing community support and inspiring personal reflection, funerals are essential to the grieving process. Embracing these significant moments allows us not only to celebrate lives well-lived but also to navigate our grief with resilience, understanding, and an open heart. Let's cherish these opportunities to honor one another and to come together in love and support.