How to speak to the grieving. What to say and not to say.

I know that supporting someone who is grieving can be very challenging. In these emotional times, the right words can provide much-needed comfort, while poorly chosen phrases can inadvertently deepen their hurt. Unfortunately, this is one reason why grief is an often-avoided subject.

When I became a widow, I was the victim of many well-intentioned words and phrases. It’s not that people were trying to hurt me or make my life harder. It was really more that people generally don’t know what to say, and death is such an uncomfortable and scary topic. So how can we expect people to know what helps and what doesn’t if we don’t tell them? Well, allow me to help alleviate some of the fear! Here’s a powerful guide on navigating this delicate terrain—what to say that resonates with someone and shows empathy and what to avoid that may unintentionally alienate someone.

What To Say

1. “I’m truly sorry for your loss.”

This sincere acknowledgment of their pain opens the door for them to share their feelings. It shows that you recognize the weight of their loss.

2. “I’m here for you—whatever you need.”

Communicating your availability conveys unwavering support. It reassures them that they don’t have to face this journey alone.

3. “It’s completely normal to feel however you feel right now.”

Grieving can evoke a wide range of emotions. Validating their feelings empowers them to embrace their grief without shame or guilt. Often times, grieving people feel as if they are going crazy. This reassures them that how they feel is a normal human experience and that they aren’t “doing it wrong”. It can also help them feel less alone in their experience.

4. “How can I assist you during this time?”

Offering specific forms of help—like preparing meals or providing childcare—can make your support more tangible and impactful. Grieving people often don’t know what they want or need especially in those initial days, weeks, and months after the loss of a loved one. Being specific about things you can do to help can make a world of difference. And when a grieving person reaches out to take you up on that offer, be present and do your best to follow through. That will have more of an impact than you can imagine.

5. “Would you like to talk about what you’re going through?”

Inviting conversation allows them to express their feelings at their own pace. If they prefer silence, honoring that choice is equally important. You can also be more specific and ask them about their person. Sometimes, it helps the bereaved to speak about their loved one. It is a reminder that they existed, were important, and will remain important in the coming years.

6. “I’m thinking of you and keeping you in my heart.”

A thoughtful message or gesture serves as a reminder that they are not alone and have a supportive community surrounding them. Even just sending a card, an email, or making a phone call can have an immense impact.

7. “I cherish the memories I have of [shared memory].”

Sharing treasured memories of their loved one can evoke comfort and warmth, emphasizing the lasting impact the deceased had on the lives they touched.

What Not To Say

1. “I know how you feel.”

You don’t. And if you’ve gone through a similar experience, you know how you felt, not how they feel. This statement can seem dismissive, suggesting that you fully grasp their unique experience of grief. Instead, please encourage them to express their own feelings. No two grief experiences are the same, and it is important that we acknowledge that.

2. “They are in a better place now.”

While well-intentioned, this phrase can minimize their profound sorrow. I heard this placation a lot and it made me furious every time. I would think to myself, what better place could he be than right here with me? Focus on acknowledging their pain rather than offering perceived comfort.

3. “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

This can inadvertently place pressure on them to suppress their emotions. It’s vital to emphasize that grieving is a natural and necessary part of healing.

4. “It could be worse.”

Yikes. No. Comparisons can be harmful and make the bereaved feel guilty for their grief. Every individual experience of loss is valid and deserves recognition. Life isn’t a competition about who has it worse.

5. “You need to be strong.”

Encouraging resilience might lead them to believe that expressing vulnerability is a weakness. Remind them that it’s okay to feel and show emotion. Remember, strength can also be measured by one’s willingness to show vulnerability and emotion in order to be present in their experience. As a society we really need to re-evaluate what it means to be strong.

6. “Time heals all wounds.”

Not this one. Using this phrase suggests that at some point you’ll just get over the loss. But we don’t get over it. So, saying this can be really unhelpful when someone is in the depths of grief. Real healing takes time, and it’s not a finite process with an ending. Let’s not forget that grief isn’t a disease that can be cured. It is an experience that we carry with us. Healing comes in how we learn to carry it.

7. “Let me know if you need anything.”

This open-ended offer may go unheeded and be seen as simply an attempt to placate. Instead, propose specific ways you can help to ensure your support is both meaningful and actionable.

Navigating the landscape of grief requires sensitivity, patience, and understanding. I think the best advice I can offer is to listen more than you speak and approach conversations with an abundance of empathy. And remember that sitting in silence is okay because, often, your mere presence can be the greatest comfort of all. Focus on expressing your genuine support and affection. It is this heartfelt connection that makes all the difference during life’s darkest moments. Stand by their side with unwavering compassion, and let that be your guiding light.